Saturday, December 27, 2008

Close your eyes for just a moment...

...and imagine the sense of calm when you draw yourself a warm bath, light a single lowly candle, and submerge your head under the sweetly scented waters. You hear no breath being taken, but your ears do pick up the sound of your heart rhythmically pumping away; the soft muffled noise seems so ancient and loving. Is this what death is like? So contentedly calm? If so, then can I go there more often?

Your body and the water come into a temperature equilibrium, and you've melded into the liquid. Your soul, your mind, your entire being. Gently floating, gently rocking. No words are needed for extra feeling, nor any sounds. Just your heart beating through the waters and rumbling in your ears. Why is it that wounds close so much faster when immersed in warm water? Maybe it has healing properties. Maybe in those moments when you feel so close to yourself and so far away from everything around you, that you begin to heal.

I do hope I can begin to heal.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Find Yourself

So I've decided I want to go on a spiritual quest. I've been wanting to do this for some time now, and was going to do it together with Morgan, but life got in the way. Sort of ironic considering how that's what we're escaping from, but I'm determined to not let school and crap get in my way this time. I wish I had some cool heritage I could go back to. I wish I weren't white. I feel dirty. I wish I had Native American blood, or Peruvian, or Ecuadorian or something. I just feel like a plain old whitey and I hate it. :(

Anyways, part of this journey that I speak of will include some serious meditation, which I should be doing anyways just due to stress levels. But I find the motion and noises in the house to be too distracting and then I turn up my music louder to drown others out. I just want to take a trip off to some forest and be with the pure sounds of nature. This is kind of funny considering we've been studying transcendentalists in English like Emerson. I always find inspiration in Native American culture and ever since I first learned about it in 3rd grade, I've wished I could go back in history and spend time with these people. I realize some of them were warring tribes, but some were peaceful as well. They didn't view the land as something they could own, but rather, they shared what they had with others. Stupid Europeans for being land-hungry and pushing them off of their territory ...and I digress...

Anyways, wish me luck on my journey. Maybe I'll come to some great realization. :P