Massage Class, Week 1

I started school a week ago at Renton Technical College. I like it so far, I like memorizing, so the anatomy isn't that bad, although we've only done the scapula and levator scapula so far. We've worked on massaging feet and are moving into reflexology, which is interesting and useful. I'm glad I don't have a foot phobia, otherwise I'd be failing. Haha. School consumes 98% of my day and when I'm working, it consumes my everything.

I'm honestly not in the mood to write, and I know Zazu, you wanted me to blog. But I actually had a day off from work today and I caught up on homework and I'm tired. So, too bad for you. I did, however, get a new wallet, 'cause mine completely broke. I thought I'd share it with you because when I saw it, I thought to myself, "ZAZU!!!". So...yeah. I love it. It actually fits money in it, change, and aaaalllll of my cards.

I also learned today that the woman who helps out Goe, the blind amputee in our class, is an ex-heroine addict. I learned this because she warned me that her left pinky and next-to-pinky toe (don't worry, I'll eventually learn the correct term for it) are numb on top and she doesn't like them touched. They've been subjected to nerve damage. Poor girl. I'm glad she's there though. She's incredibly nice and did the massage program last year, so she was able to help me out with the strokes. There's some heavy shit some people are bringing to this class, man. We've been warned that emotions can come out through massage, i.e. people hold emotions in their bodies and sometimes just break down when an area is stimulated, and I have yet to experience that, but am sure it will happen.

Of lead balls, tanks and bombs

So I had an incredibly scary dream two nights ago, and I need somewhere to write it down. Here goes.

I was with Alyssa and McLane predominately, but everyone from school was there too. We were in this huge fenced off field that was normally desolate, but was now filled with carnival paraphenalia, booths, and food stands. I wasn't having very much fun. For some reason, I was just really upset and extremely sad. I wandered around a little until I heard someone scream something and exclaim for all onlookers to gaze up at the sky. A girl was pointing to this white rocket, the tip of which housed a huge bomb. The rocket flew up, turned, and headed toward us. Everyone screamed. I began to run the length of the field (probably over a mile long) toward the opposite end, in the hopes that the bomb was directed more at the fair and somehow, I could escape some of the calamity. Sirens began to go off. I knew I was going to die. I thought, 'Well, at least I can die with peace knowing that there is no longer a grudge between Morgan and I.'

There were lines of old, decrepit, and interior-less cars at this end of the field. I ducked beside one, covered my head, and waited for the bomb to hit. McLane was right beside me. I was crying. I looked at her and told her that I was scared. Then we heard noises like strong gunshots. At first I thought they were bombs, but I wasn't feeling the impact of anything. Suddenly, these cantaloupe-sized lead balls come rolling toward us. At the speed they were going, they could have broken bones. Instinctively, I jumped on top of the car and watched them roll underneath, but the car was shrinking and sinking. Soon I was jumping over all of them.

Then came more loud noises. I looked up and saw a group of men in orange jumpsuits. On the front of these suits was a huge swastika. Neo-nazis. They were shouting in German, but no one could understand. But the kids surrounding us were too afraid to defy these men and learned their instructions through hand motions. Set up in front of us were wooden walls, on which had been painted a target. A man gave each of us a bucket with small glass rockets inside. I watched some other kids, who were throwing the rockets at the target. I decided to follow suit, 'cause I for sure didn't want to cause any trouble. I had to light the end of the rocket and then throw it, but my arm wasn't strong enough and the rocket barely hit the target. The glass shattered, and every time I expected them to blow up. They never did. More shouting in German, more rocket-throwing, more orders to put our faces to the wall and stand still. The Germans brought out tanks and other military vehicles. I was now working on figuring out how to use the gun they had put into my bucket, but the clip wouldn't work. I had almost resolved to ask one of the men when we were given the opportunity to go to a table and deposit our jewelry.

I walked over to this little card table with McLane and took off my earrings. Somehow I hoped that this would put me on better terms with the nazis if they saw me willingly give up my possessions. But when I took my earrings off, I realized they were just cheap metal of little value. My luck had vanished.

Love, the masked villain

Something I posted in another site:

"I feel like young people are constantly searching for love. They think it's a journey they must take immediately, but they end up getting sucked into it. They become blind to their own selves. They can't see that they fall for the same person repeatedly, because they are trying to fill some hole. I look at all those lovesick humans and laugh. They meet someone, feel special, feel wanted and needed, but then one decides they can do better, and leave the other dangling on the edge of a cliff.

Love should come and greet you on its own. Too many actively seek it out, and end up finding the wrong thing. Love can be a big part of your life, but don't let it eat you up."

I know a few who had forgotten themselves, who have been charmed and strung up on strings like a puppet, ready for Love to move at will. Life requires experiences, and although those can contain love, or the beginning stages of love, they should also contain the world, the people, the spacious room to grow and learn. Constantly seeking out love, seeking out a partner to please and make you feel needed is not going to make the world suddenly draped in soft silks. It's not going to fill that void--that lonely sad space that torments night after night.

Stop seeking, and let the winds carry the world to you.

Yesterday Was Epic

My dearest friend Zazu's six months were up, so she was free to drive us all around. We had been planning this day for months and knew exactly what we were going to do. India, Ricky, her and I, were going to go to a nasty porn shop to try and find her a Batman mask, along with other knickknacks. Well, we had been hoping that the place wouldn't check our I.D. ; Ricky was the only one among us who was actually eighteen. We couldn't find a gross place, so we just headed over to a Lover's Package. Needless to say, they checked I.D. I started through the store and was walking quickly in, hoping nobody would notice...or that at least that I'd get somewhere so I could look at things before getting kicked out. We were accosted though, so, because we weren't of age, we waited outside and persuaded Ricky to go in and buy stuff for us. We even made him a list. Zazu wanted a little dancing penis and I wanted a muzzle/mask, which sadly, they did not carry.

Zazu got her dancing penis and I got some glittery red pasties. Haha. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them, but hey, they're awesome.

After that, and ditching Ricky's friends were just had to tag along, we went to get Pho, but right after ordering, they show up again. I didn't know either of them and they hadn't been in the master plan, so we were all kind of irked that they were with us. After that, they finally returned home while the rest of us went to the mall and perused the place. Got some cotton candy for fifty cents a piece, and saw a cute asian boy in bright yellow with matching stockings that India wanted to follow so I made a move to follow him, ended up forgetting about Ricky, and then lost the cute boy. Heh. All well.

Ran over a curb pretty bad, had a really long laugh, and then...to add a climax to our day, I was looking through The Stranger, reading personals when I read one that was very familiar. Zazu commented on it and I burst out, "OH MY GOD THAT'S US!" Yup. We had posted a personal. Never thought it would make it to the paper though. Zazu and I wanted to pull a Ghostworld and set up a meeting with some older guy in some cafe, and then just watch as he waited for his lady in red, who would never come. So we made a profile, only to find that in order to message someone else (we had already picked out a guy who was the perfect creep and who knew some French) we had to pay. We thought our plan was blown. But to find US in the paper...posing as some older woman...just...cracks me up.

--End of Epic Adventure #1--

Jealous

I'm jealous of those people who know exactly what they want to do in college and beyond. I'm jealous of those people who seem to have their own cult followings, solely based on their own ingenuity and awesomeness. I'm jealous of those people who get to see the world that they don't deserve to see. The question of what I'm going to do for college has burst upon me again and although I have altered my plans, I am still incredibly unsure. Why do I have to choose now? I don't get why I can't do my senior year and then calmly sort through my options. No. There are time limits in the real world, there is stress, there is competition, there is bullshit. Welcome, welcome to the marvelous planet we call home!

I'm thinking about art school, yet that nagging voice in the back of my head says, "You can't do anything with that. What sort of job will you get then? You'll be broke. You'll be sick of doing art." What IS my main goal then? I'm tired of school. So tired. I don't want to learn math or science or history anymore. I don't want to know the laws of physics, thermodynamics, geometric series, logarithms or cofunctions! I want to just have a relaxing college experience where I get to have fun. A complete joke, right? I'd rather be out there as a job waitressing for the rest of my life than have to go to college just to delve further into history and dumb bullshit that I'll forget in two months anyways.

The problem with decisions pertaining to my future is that I have so many options. I could write, I could interprete, I could do something monotonous like accounting...I could travel and teach English to South American countries, I could by a psychologist, or I could just paint and hope to make a living on the side. The latter sounds like the best option at the moment.

I read in a Reader's Digest magazine the other day that this one woman pushed her children to march for their very first option when it came to a career, no matter how ridiculous it may have seemed. My mother however, seems to claim that I'll have a lousy life and job no matter where I go or what I do. How encouraging she is! My sister on the other hand tells me that her experience at Western was boring and that art school sounds fun. I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to be living out HER dream, or if I'm going to be pursuing my own. At the moment, I am clueless. I've been waiting for something to come and hit me in the face, but I doubt that's going to happen.

Well. I guess art school is my top choice. Next month, it may be something else. *sigh*

Happy Times

I went to the Cradle of Filth concert last night, and mind you, I've never seen them live and I've never been to a hardcore/metal concert before. OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS AWESOME! I'm so glad I went and I'm so glad India came with me. My neck hurts from headbanging, I have a monster headache, and there's a ringing in my ears. It's perfect. I'm glad I'm alive and I'm glad I'm human for once. Hah.

So, this is going to be rather lengthy, but I need to write as much as I can about it now before I go to bed. Let's take a lovely walk into the ominous dark forest, shall we?

So India and I got up pretty close to the front, but I felt bad for her 'cause she's about 4' 9" 1/2, wheres I'm 5' 4". There was this guy behind me (whom we later learned was named Adam) and he was right up against me, kind a grinding on my ass. Because I'm not an aggressive person, I just sort of went with it. At least he wasn't groping me. It could have been a lot worse. He told me I was cute and asked me if I was here with my boyfriend. I lied and said yes, but he was still touching on me, so I just ignored it.

The first band came on, Satyricon, and they were from Greece. They were pretty rad man. I wasn't expecting moshing right away, but the moshing came. I didn't get beat up too badly. A few elbows. That's nothing. Anyways, India and I started talking to some guys as we were waiting for the second band, Septic Flesh to come on, and we told them our names and met Blake (he was dirty-blonde and wore a metal ball necklace, 17), Adam (he was most obviously drunk, short hair, tall, 25, but nice), Gabriel (he had long blondish hair and was also 25), and Josh (he was so goddamn cute! I wish we would have gotten a pic. He had long black hair with orange weaved into small braids; kind of like dreads. He had one white contact in, a lip piercing, gaged ears, and a really girlish face that suited him well. He was like, 19 I think.)

So all these guys are like, "You're women and we'll protect you from the crowds." India and I were like, "Okay". Adam asked how old I was, and I said 17 and he was like, "Damnit! You're underage! I'm 25! I was hoping we could you know, go get some coffee sometime." And Blake was like, "It's only illegal until you get caught." We all laughed. They were really nice though and stayed around us most of the entire time, protecting us from flailing legs and arms. Adam though, he was a rather touchy person and oftentimes had his hands on my sides. It was weird, but I didn't really care. I was headbanging along to the music.

Some girl in front of us fainted, and there was this really really big, tall guy that was like, leaning into me hard from my left side and I tried my best to nudge him and elbow him, but he was like twice my size. I stayed behind Josh for the most part, (who smelled rather nice) and I felt bad 'cause my chin was hitting his shoulder 'cause I was dancing in my little cramped space. If you could even call it a space. I was smashed up against so many bodies that I'm sure I had the sweat of at least 50 other people on me. Someone stepped on my toe too, and sort of smashed my boot but it's all good. I lost my chain necklace because I had to take it off at the door and someone most probably stole it, but that's okay 'cause it was just chain I got at the hardware store. Oohhohohoh.

There was this really annoying chick Ms. Barbie-pants-I-look-like-a-whore who jammed her elbow into my arm at one point and it hurt bad. She was really annoying in general and she stole India's place. I lost her about halfway through, maybe, and just tried my hardest to stay behind Josh and next to Blake. Blake was behind me for a long time and I thank him for taking the impact of many blows. Luckily, there was a rather large woman in front of my whom I kept smashing into. (No, I'm not trying to be mean). Blake and Adam both were singing and even did the really high-pitched vocals along with Dani Filth and I just laughed every time they sang like that. I dunno why. It was amusing.

They played some really good songs too, and at the moment, I have "Her Ghost in the Fog" stuck in my head. Dani Filth's hair was short and it looked really good on him. I was pretty close to him too and I wanted to touch him but there were still a few people in front of me. I'm so totally going next year. Soooooo totally.

After they finished, closing with "From the Cradle to Enslave" this girl walked up to me as I was looking for India and she asked me if I could help her. I thought she was looking for the bathrooms, but she said thought I might know the goth scene here. I laughed and said I was sorry because I was underage and didn't know of any clubs. People are funny.

India got Adam's phone number and he wants to hang out with us. Hahah. Not sure that's ever going to happen...

Oh! I got a new t-shirt and we said goodbye to our new friends. We should have gotten more phone numbers and some pics or something. I'm sorry I only have stories. Some man came near us and he really stank something awful. India lost her contact at one point, but managed to get it back in her eye, so that was cool.

I'm so glad I went. It was totally worth every penny and the massive headache.

YEAH CRADLE OF FILTH!!!

Close your eyes for just a moment...

...and imagine the sense of calm when you draw yourself a warm bath, light a single lowly candle, and submerge your head under the sweetly scented waters. You hear no breath being taken, but your ears do pick up the sound of your heart rhythmically pumping away; the soft muffled noise seems so ancient and loving. Is this what death is like? So contentedly calm? If so, then can I go there more often?

Your body and the water come into a temperature equilibrium, and you've melded into the liquid. Your soul, your mind, your entire being. Gently floating, gently rocking. No words are needed for extra feeling, nor any sounds. Just your heart beating through the waters and rumbling in your ears. Why is it that wounds close so much faster when immersed in warm water? Maybe it has healing properties. Maybe in those moments when you feel so close to yourself and so far away from everything around you, that you begin to heal.

I do hope I can begin to heal.